A Love Letter to My Friends

It's been a while but I am back.

Writing helps me to heal. It is an effective way for me to process things and gain control over my emotions. I really enjoy using narrative therapy methods for myself and my clients. I often suggest to my clients to rewrite and retell their stories as a part of  their healing process. I use it for myself whenever I feel lost or confused about things in life. Sometimes my mind is so preoccupied with anxiousness, I can't even put a sentence down. Then, I start with making a list of pros/cons.  It's a good place to start.

Recently, I was diagnosed with stage 2b breast cancer. I know..I could not believe it neither. How can I of all people? I am perfectly healthy other than having a few extra pounds. I try to live my life to the fullest every moment, I have four young kids, and I am busy...how can this be? Many fearful thoughts crossed my mind at first. However, my history of walking with God helped me to quickly realize that only thing I can do in moments like this is to surrender to my creator.  As I was driving back to my office after receiving the news from the doctor that the tumor in my right breast is malignant, I handed it over to God. I said, "Okay...this one I give to you. It's in your hands. But, God, please don't be silent." I know sometimes, God can seem silent...really silent. I knew how devastating it can be when He appears to be silent, so I asked for anything but silence. I may not look like I have had any bad experiences in life, but I have...really bad ones. Through all those experiences, I have learned not to go into the pit of "WHY". I have learned that the pit of Why is a very deep and very dark place. Once you get yourself there, it's very hard to get out. Another prayer was for my children, especially my oldest, that she would not become angry at God. For I know how difficult it is to harbor anger and bitterness in your heart because you don't understand.

I am starting my chemo treatment next Wednesday. I am scared. I am nervous. I am overwhelmed with the possible side effects of chemo. Losing all my hair, becoming bald but not so beautiful makes me cringe. My youngest asked me if I am going to become bald. "I sure am!" He kissed my head and said, "I love you Mommy". My husband said he would shave his head with me...this would not be a good idea, I told him. This is going to be a long and difficult battle, one that I have never imagined for myself.

I see myself standing in front of a long and dark tunnel. I know I must step into the tunnel, there is no other way. I must walk through it alone to get to the other side. I don't want to step in but there is no turning back.  I am scared because I know it's going to be cold, scary, lonely, and difficult.  This feeling and the picture I have seen before. I felt exactly the same kind of fear and saw the same exact image when my husband and I were going through adoption process of our youngest child. I stepped into the dark tunnel because God said, "Trust me, I am here with you". When I got to the other end of the tunnel, there was light, joy, and more faith.  I am stepping-in again because God says, "Trust me, I am here with you. I got you!".

I so appreciate my family and friends who come with encouraging words, hugs, and prayers. I am not alone and I will become stronger and even more amazing through it all. Can you handle it?? All I know is that God is faithful and ever so wonderful. I said to my daughter, "Hey, I can add one more line to my resume, 'A Cancer Survivor!" She laughed at me and said I was cray cray.

My mind is wired for victory and I will win this one hands down! I will continue to write this blog as I fight this battle. It will help me to stay focused and joyful.  Friends, please continue to pray for me that I will carry joy in my heart through it all.  I am thankful!

XOXO
Min