From My Chemo Chair

May 13th

First round of chemo today. I went in like a champ and came out like a zombie.

The first thing I noticed when I walked into the infusion center was a couple who had their TV on rather loud and talking loud at the same time. I was immediately irritated by the noise they were making. I asked the nurse if she was saving the private room for someone. She said they fill in all the chairs first. I just closed the curtains to give myself some privacy.

It took one hour to get my blood work back, counting red/white blood cells to see if I am good enough to take chemo. Then it took about 2.5 hours to do pre-med. steroid, anti-nausea, and some other kinds...then the chemo nurse came in with two huge syringes filled with chemo med and another bag with more med. All of sudden, I felt light headed and my chest felt heavy and became hard to breathe. My vitals were dropping.

A social worker (counselor) came to talk with me. She helped me to relax with exactly same techniques I use with my clients. First becoming aware of your physical and your emotion...she walked me through to a imagery of a nice ocean side. There, she said I can relax. Even with all the surrounding noises I was able to get to that place of solitude. I felt so overwhelmed with emotions. I started to tear up. I could not pinpoint to exactly what I was feeling. Sometime, I use Feeling Word list to help my clients...I could not think of one for myself. I was just sad...sad...sad...why am I here? I must have been oppressing so much of good and right emotions to be a strong mother to my children, not a whiner and a complainer for my husband, not a scared little girl for my parents, a model of strong faith for my friends. I do not want to be any of those things to anyone. I just wanted to walk by the ocean side and be free... of all these things. I think I am going to allow myself a Cry Day. I am going to cry all these things away. You can join me for a Cry Day if you have not had a good cry in a while. It might do us real good.

My oncologist came up and talked to me some more. Then, FINALLY, they moved me to that one private room away from all the noise. I felt so much better. Yes, I love to be by myself. YES!

Then, the nurse injected chemo med with a giant syringe, 1 cc at a time. By the time she was done with the first syringe I felt swelling inside my mouth and my tongue, and itching all over. Allergic to chemo med...vitals down again. They stopped and injected benadryl and that knocked me out. I warned all the doctors and nurses that I am hyper-sensitive to medicine, I did!  It was 4 O'clock by the time I was done with everything. My doctor said I would start feeling the side effects in about 3 days, I think she is wrong on that estimate. I feel sick now. Good news, I will be in a private room for each visit (unless there is someone more critical).