So sorry to complain...

My kids say this is my "Annoyed Face". :)

It is 3:56 AM and I am wide awake. Second chemo was not as bad as I feared going in but still was not so great. I guess it is not suppose to be great anyway.  It turns out that I am severely allergic to Adriamycin, an essential chemo med I must take. A double dose of benadryl did the trick but made me super groggy.

My hair started to fall out in clumps. It will be no time before I lose all my hair. My counselor asked me if I am ready for it. I told her I will deal with it as it comes. I know it is going to happen but how can I be ready for it? I am not sure...I am unsure about many things these days. My youngest son said it makes him scared to see clumps of long black hair in my bathroom. I assured him it is due to strong medicine but my hair will all grow back once I stop chemo. My 13 year old son said it does not bother him, but I know it does. I am considering about sending my kids to a day camp for children with parents whose going through cancer treatment. So much to  think about. I tried on a beanie the other day. My Mom thinks it looks cute on me. I know she was lying. A beanie does not look cute on my perfectly round face.

I am feeling more frustrated than anything at this point. I feel like my home is a crazy mess. My girl friends tell me I need to let go of the need to have a clean house. But even with four active children, I have always maintained a clean house. Thank God for cleaning ladies but they come only bi-weekly, and my kids are pretty good at picking up after themselves but still. My chemo brain is very sluggish these days. On Tuesday, I got lost while driving to the hospital. My mind totally went blank and I could not figure out where I was going. It made me cry a bit. I am not myself these days. I should not be driving. 

People with good intentions come with so many advises on what supplements I need to take, what I should and should not eat, what I should be thinking and not be thinking, that I must pray more and have more faith...etc. etc. I am grateful for the good intentions but sadden by the fact that they are not able to just sit and listen or quietly give me a hug or hold my hand and empathize with me. My husband tells me I should not be offended and only consider their good hearts. I am not offended but just do not have the capacity to be the listener at this time. I need someone to listen to ME. Now I can understand why some people who are going through crisis want to go into hiding and withdraw from interacting with others. Even though I know it would be so unhealthy for me to isolate myself, it is very tempting at times.  

Last night, my daughter sent me a long lovely text. I read it a couple of hours later but I was so drugged I could barely reply to her. I sent her a heart emoji. Thank God for emojis. When my kids came home from their activities, they came into my bedroom one by one after faithfully washing their hands, I could not open my eyes or say "I love you" back to them. This makes me sad. I know they know I love them but I hate missing out on every opportunity to let them know that I love them more than anything. Tomorrow...God's mercy is new every morning.

I wonder what God has in plan for me to learn from this rough patch in my life. What is the area of refinement that I need to go through? As promised, I took all the letters I received from NYPC EC (New York Presbyterian Church English Congregation) sisters and read them over during my chemo. Such wonderful encouragements. You are truly more precious than RUBIES (Proverbs 31:10) sisters!!

Lessons I have learned so far (I think...)

1. I am here on the earth today to show what God's love look like.

2. Be a good listener, even when I speak.

3. Chemo stinks!

Thanks for listening y'all!