The Truth About My Marriage

 I wish I can write more often but my eyes get tired and blurry. I have been reading A Thousand Splendid Suns by Khaled Hosseini. Mariam and Laila are the two heroines of the very tragic story of women of Afghanistan. Bitterness, rejection, conflict, turmoil, deep wounds of the soul, confusion, remorse, abuse, hope, love...human tragic...life. I know so many women who live in these kinds of tragedy even today in America. I know them, I see them. Mariam and Laila reminded me of my mother in some ways, my clients, and myself. I dreamt that I went back to work last night. I showed up at my office and tried to move my desk all by myself and the desk fell on top of me. Ha!

I opened my eyes early one morning and thought "Oh no, another day of misery". For a moment I felt hopeless thinking that I was about to start another day of feeling nauseated, lazy, weak, and unproductive. I was shocked at myself for even thinking of the word "misery". Me? I am the most positive person I know. Some days are better than others and I have mindfully decided to fully enjoy my good days. A friend invited me to lunch I went and had a blast. I went to a make-over class offered to female caner patient by The American Cancer Society. Fabulous!

My husband tells me I am a really sexy and beautiful bald head. Ummm...like, I don't believe you? But, that's okay because I realized that of all the people in the world, I trust and depend on my husband the most. In front of this man, I sat half naked in the tub while he used his razor to clean shave my head. At that moment, I felt deep and sorrowful shame at the utter nakedness of my body and soul. How much lower can one woman get, than to be hairless, scars on her neck and chest, and feeling really really ugly sitting in front of the man that she loves. I tried not to look at myself in the mirrors that surrounds our master bath but I took quick glimpses of me sitting there like a helpless object. I cried a lot because I was humiliated of my appearance and feeling like I was losing my dignity as a woman. My husband and I, we cried a lot that night. I avoided looking into a mirror for a few days after. I was scared to look at myself.

The happy side of that night was that I was able to see something that is true and valuable. The truth that my husband is the one person that I can cry with and lean on in the most difficult time in my life. Over our 22 years of marriage, we have had our up-and-downs. We even had moments where I seriously felt like I cannot go on anymore. We are both good people but when two sinners collide, many ugly things happen. Selfishness and misunderstanding can cause marriage deeply wounded hearts and create high stone walls that divide a husband and a wife. We were not an exception. My husband, he cries with me and holds me so that I can cry and not feel alone. With him, I feel safe to share the moments of complete humiliation. In the early mornings, I can hear him praying. I cannot make out the words but I know he is crying out to God for me. I feel protected and loved very much.

For a few days, I felt so ugly and odd without hair, I looked down so that I don't have to look at myself when I walked out of the shower. I have learned to embrace the new me for now. I walk around commando at home and my kids do not mind. My son says I look like an alien. I see God through my husband and children who loves me no matter what. My "officially" a teenager 13 year old son put his arm around my shoulder as we were walking to the hospital entrance together. He does not like to show affection at all. I am usually the one to hug and kiss him. That day, in his own quiet way, he showed his affection for me. I cherish sweet moments like these.

My deepest gratitude to all of my friends and family who pray for me, bring us delicious meals, send gifts and cards, funny pictures and texts to cheer me up or just letting me know that I am not forgotten. I am so thankful and I love you all!

I was reading Romans the other day and it says "Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope" (Roman 5:3-4). Suffering-endurance-character-hope. Is this where I am headed towards? Suffering-endurance-character-hope.

Lessons I have learned so far ( I think...)

1. I am here on the earth today to show what God's love look like.
2. Be a good listener, even when I speak.
3. Chemo stinks!
4. Love your husband well (give him that affirmation!)
5. Suffering-endurance-character-hope