Survive- Yes! Thrive- I Hope So

My husband asked why I have not been updating this blog. I don't know why I said. Just because I have noting worth sharing. Just because I don't feel like it. Or maybe because I have been dealing with my own emotions without feeling successful or progressing at all.

I have been going to the gym about 4-5 times a week lately. YMCA and the Levine Cancer Institute have a joint wellness program for cancer patients' overall mental and physical well being during and after cancer treatment. At first, I thought the group classes were exclusively for cancer patients, which means the participants would look like me...you know...with ports placed in chest, scars and all and of course no hair. But, the classes consisted of all kinds of people, many beautiful people of the posh town in which I live in. It took some courage for me to walk into and sweat among those beautiful people. It took a while for me to tell myself, I don't care if they wonder why does she look like that? Why is she wearing a hat? What is that scar on her chest? Sigh. I'm not really sure if I'm completely removed from what others think of me...especially my appearance.

Something about the outer self, negative body image still lingers on even at the age of 47. I am literally molting. My finger and toe nails turned black and yellow from chemo and now the are lifting and falling out. Never mind looking nice. Every little part of my body is deteriorating yet I cannot control anything. The other day we had a routine exterminator visit inside but no one told me he was in the house. I was sitting in my master bath in my pajamas without a hat or wig on my head. The exterminator probably wasn't expecting anyone to be upstairs, let alone a bald woman in her pj's. He looked at me and I looked at him. I was too mortified to scream. I quietly walked down stairs to find my husband clueless to what just had happened. I was so angry and humiliated, I cried and cried. I'm not sure if I was angry because I was humiliated or humiliated because I was angry. My husband didn't know what to do and apologized profusely. Sigh. Before my daughter left to go to Barcelona, I took her shopping for her 21st birthday. My feet are so swollen and in pain I can only wear flip-flops. If you know me, you know I don't walk around in flip-flops, looking so frumpy and unkept but I have no other choice these days. Every glimpse I caught of myself in the show windows became more appalling as the minutes go by. My face became pale, posture became droopy and worse, my fake hair became more and more apparent. It was a terrible choice to go shopping that day. I became irritated and moody. My whole body and mind was drained and I just wanted to go home. I was in a bad mood for days after. My whole being felt worthless because I felt so badly about myself, how I looked? I know I need to be free from this lingering negative body image. Time for some introspection. Let me see if working out (being productive) makes me feel better altogether.

John Piper said, the current suffering in comparison to the future glory is light. I am sorry, but Piper's words did not make me feel better. I wondered if anyone who tells you, Oh, He would not test you beyond what you can handle or oh, it's nothing, you'll be fine or oh, this too shall pass really know what they are talking about. I mean, do they really think that they understand someone else's suffering? Sometimes it makes me angry to hear people say stuff like that to me or to others who are going through tough times. I think for Paul to be able to compare current suffering and the future glory, he must have known that the current suffering really sucks. He probably knew that current suffering feels like death. He probably didn't say, "Oh, well! Suffering...that's nothing! lalalala" I think, I hope, he dealt with the highs and lows of the valley of emotions that lift or drag you down. That place between being most hopeful and desperately hopeless that breaks your inner most parts for him to be able to confidently claim the future glory. That's faith!

My husband tells me that my blog is inspirational. I am sorry but I don't want to be an inspiration. I don't want to be anything. I'm doing my best to survive this horrible illness and treatment. Thrive through all this stuff? I hope so. I'm happy that I only have three more treatments left. I never ever want to go through it again in my life. Like my friend says, I don't even want to smell the smoke!

Things I have learned so far (I think...)

1. I am on this earth today to show what God's love looks like
2. Be a good listener, even when I speak
3. Chemo stinks
4. Love your husband well (give him that affirmation!)
5. Suffering-endurance-character-hope
6. Fill that God-shaped void in someone's heart today
7. I'm molting but I will be renewed like an eagle because God has compassion for me.
8. I'm not an inspiration. I'm doing my best to survive. Thank you.

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