Hope Against Hope

They say a writer should write daily as a part of one's routine even when one does not feel inspired or has something worthy enough to put down. Obviously, I don't have writing as a part of my routine...nor is exercising. I know those things good for me, but I just don't have it in me yet.

There is a big accomplishment that is worth celebrating though. I finished 20 rounds of chemo treatment on September 24th. I thought I never would finish this awful thing but I did. There was no fanfare, trumpet blowing, balloon floating ending, but it ended. It did. I was so happy to put it behind me, I cracked up laughing during my chemo. Good thing I was in a private room. In my head, I imagined that after the last chemo I would write up a beautiful story of triumphant victorious narrative about how awesome God is and how brave I had been, how great I feel and ready to taken on the world. I was so excited to start a new day free of drugs and pain. But, it did not happen that way at all. Second day after last chemo, I started feeling really sick. I felt nauseous, weak, and achy all over. Everything started feeling worse than during chemo. I was so, so, so disappointed. I felt sad and betrayed. What? I'm done with the bad guy, I'm suppose to feel healthy and strong! My acupuncturist said my body is detoxing thus making me feel worse than before. My oncologist said it would take time, weeks maybe even months to recover, then there will be surgery. My surgeon threw us more information about options of surgery than my husband or I could digest. More to think about, more to decide while being even more confused and overwhelmed. I felt defeated. It felt as though I can never get rid of this thing called cancer. I can never put it behind me. It would always linger on. I was so looking forward to flying away somewhere with my daughter before surgery and be free from it all. What a disillusionment. I was so wrong.

The other day, I had lunch with my colleagues; Steel Magnolias (strong and brave women of South-love the movie by the way). We had so much fun talking up a storm about everything. My boss encouraged me when she said, through my writing I am telling/showing other people that it's okay to feel weak, angry, sad, and all of the real emotions. Sometimes, I feel like I am complaining too much on this blog and worry that I might be a stumbling block to some. At the same time, I do have a lot going on that I cannot control but I know that I trust in God fully. As Christians, we sometimes feel like we should not feel angry or lonely or depressed and feel guilty about those feelings. I present myself vulnerable on this blog. I feel like I need to be for myself and others who read and feel understood, comforted, and encouraged. I know God loves me just as I am. He has chosen me as His child. I have no doubt even during this time of trial. I know God has me under His wings and I cling to Him and take refuge. I am loved and protected and He will deliver me. Emotions are real and God given. What you do with them is your character. I choose to be hopeful in the midst of hopeless and frightening times. "In hope against hope he believed" (Romans 4:18). I love that! Hope against Hope- in the face of absolute hopelessness we hope anyway! (from The Power of Hope) We hope anyway!!!

Please pray for me as I recover from chemo and get ready for surgery. I'm doing my part. I'm drinking detox mineral tea, green tea, lots of water and going back to exercising next week. I am going to hope anyway and make myself better. I am thankful that I have an Integrative Medicine specialist who looks out for me not just my illness. Acupuncture has been helping me a great deal with hot flashes, sleep and neuropathy. I have moments of doubt and worries but I am choosing to hope anyway and continue my journey for glorious unfolding. Thank you friends for your love and prayer!

Things I have learned so far (I think...)

1. I am on this earth today to show what God's love looks like
2. Be a good listener, even when I speak
3. Chemo stinks
4. Love your husband well (give him that affirmation!)
5. Suffering-endurance-character-hope
6. Fill that God-shaped void in someone's heart today
7. I'm molting but I will be renewed like an eagle because God has compassion for me.
8. I'm not an inspiration. I'm doing my best to survive. Thank you.
9. Hope against Hope, I choose to hope anyway!