I Can't
Let me just spit it out. I am tired. Really tired of this. Tired of holding onto hope that I will be cancer free. I will be able to pass through this rough patch with flying colors. I am tired of acting strong and mighty. I am tired of doctors. I am tired of treatment. I am tired of feeling sick. I am tired of pain. I am tired. I want to say just forget it. Just forget it! I give up!!
I know many have been and will continue to tell me to hang-on, don't give up, have faith, pray more...I don't want to be rude but I can't hear anything you have to say to me. Maybe later. Maybe tomorrow. I just need to complain, whine and cry like a baby right now. I have to stop pretending to be okay. Focused and hopeful with mighty faith-- because I am not.
Last week I had a post-op appointment with the surgeon to go over the results of biopsy. 4/7 lymphnodes came back positive. The surgeon recommended another surgery to remove all lymph nodes in my underarm area. This is before starting 6 week radiation therapy, which mean this battle is going to continue longer, longer, and longer. I want to know when this is going to stop. The doctor explained that there is a huge chance of lymphedema and lost sensation in my right arm. I lost it then. I could not face another surgery, more pain and more complications. I just couldn't. Post chemo therapy has been a nightmare. So much pain and discomfort. Every joint and muscle hurts. I am beaten. After my stoic surgeon left the room I held on to my husband and cried like a baby. Everything that I had been holding in, I let go. No more. I can't. A nurse advocate came in and I wailed even louder. No more calmness, no more collected posture, no more strong Min. I was just an angry and scared woman. The nurse told me I could do this because I am strong. I shook my head in denial. I am not strong. I might have punched the next person who called me strong. All the confusion, fear, anxiety, loneliness, anger, guilt, grief that I had been oppressing while holding my breath, busted.
One thing that I learned about myself during this journey is that I am a real badass oppressor to myself. Although my family and friends might think I can be determined and direct, when it comes to my own emotional needs, I just hold in and push down and tell myself, it could be worse. Such an unhealthy way to treat myself. I am so unkind to myself. I also learned that I don't trust others to care for me. I might even believe that I don't deserve the love that people show me...I don't know. I also know that I don't fully trust God in this matter. I know EVERYTHING is possible for God, but is my healing included in EVERYTHING? What if it's not? Fear of death is real as day light for me. I never thought that I would be afraid of dying, but I learned that I am terrified of death. Not being around for my husband and children terrifies me. I also learned that chronic pain can absolutely be deteriorating. Illness totally degrades a person's quality of life.
Just when I thought I climbed over one mountain and ready to plant that victory flag, a higher, rougher mountain top awaits. A good friend said she will believe healing and long life for me even if I can't right now. She knows my sick heart is dysfunctional. Very dysfunctional. I did one kind thing for myself that day. I booked an appointment with a counselor. I am looking forward to seeing her this week. I need help sorting things out.
I took very strong pain medicine in hopes to fall asleep but I am wide awake with nausea. Friends, I pray that you all will stay healthy and strong. This is not a fun or bearable journey. I hope you never would have to be on this path, ever. Once again, I apologize for complaining....wait, no I am not going to apologize. I'm trying to be kind to myself. Sorry I'm just confused right now, uncertain about many many things. Maybe soon I might say I CAN.
Oh Min, I am so sorry. I WILL pray for you even more fervently.I have no doubt you will get through this and a lot stronger than I would ever be!!
ReplyDeleteHi. Never met you yet but wanted to say hello here for now. Hope there is an opportunity for us to meet in near future. I'm a friend of Ben from elementary school and just got FB friended with him. Who would understand the pains and fear you have been going through...! Reading your blog lifts my spirit as your raw emotions and thoughts are so honest and speak to my heart. Thank you for being open with the most difficult things to describe and share. I pray your courage to have come this far, honesty to share your inner complex thoughts, and love for your family and friends will fight off your fear of death and pains from treatments and armour your heart with trust in yourself that you can get through this... You are beautiful. Please say hi to Ben for me.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your kind remarks. I hope to meet you in the near future as well.
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