Struggling Bravely and Honestly
During my recent experience as a counselee, I had to come face to
face with the inner child once again. Little Min whom I locked up inside and
told her be good, be silent, and don't make trouble. The little girl
I saw was a scared and lonely child. She was all alone in a dark place. She was
anxious and guilty about everyone's misery thus became self-critical. She felt neglected. She felt hopeless, that no
one would come to rescue her when she needed. I took her out of the box and comforted her, held her close to my heart. I told her "It's okay, rest, no one will hurt you. It's not your fault." Even at that moment of tenderness, my strong-self said "Get over it". The soft-self said "Please be patient and love me". The critical-self said, "Stop whining and go on, you are so weepy". For once in my life, I felt like I was dealing with all those pent up feelings
of shame and rage one at a time. It was almost like I was going down a list of
things and erased one at a time. What a
relief! Many years ago while crying out to God, I saw
an image. It was Jesus showing me a slide show (yes, I'm an ol'timer). Each slide showed a painful moment from my childhood. Jesus clicked one slide at a time and said "I was there with you". Next slide, "I was
there with you." So on and on...I cried and cried. I can
only explain that it was the Holy Spirit who showed me how much Jesus loves me and hat He wanted to
release me from the bondage. Min that He created wasn't living life as He
designed.
When my husband and I were first married, I used to feel
very rejected when he said anything that sounded remotely close to a
criticism. The feeling of rejection would display as anger and my way of
dealing with anger was to clam-up, shut down and kill him with silence. In fact, this pattern went on for a long. One time, he pointed out to
me that I am just like my father. Oh! I did not like hearing that at all. Oh,
boy! I got mad. I threw a huge temper tantrum and yelled back at him "I AM
NOT like my father!!" But it was true. I was acting just like my father.
Shut down. Cut off. Reject.
You know what? I was never taught how to articulate my
feelings with words. There were so many things I wanted to say and explain but
I didn't know how to. I didn't know how to catch one feeling at a time and hook
it with a word or expression to share in a healthy and constructive way. All I
knew was that I didn't want a conflict. In my mind, conflicts were bad and it
made people mad and sad. I never knew that conflicts can be constructive and
healthy. I can be so stingy with my words. I still have hard time saying
"I'm sorry" to my husband. I feel like I cannot be sincere or I'm
losing because I might be admitting my weakness.
Even right now, I'm wondering why I am being so vulnerable
here. I'm not sure why but I know that I am so so so far away from being perfect
and I just want everyone to know that it's okay. I cried for a long time at the
therapist's office because I realized that I was obsessed about keeping my own
children from feeling sad, lonely, rejected, and scared. Even though I know logically that it is humanly impossible to achieve and I also know that
it is actually healthy for them to experience all of the emotions and learn on
their own to navigate through them. Sometimes I feel like I was hit by an emotional-wreck bus. I told the therapist I need to move on and get off this bus. Sometimes I wondered if only person who can truly empathize with me and listen to me without interrupting would be the person who
I pay a decent amount of money (aka therapist). The therapists tells me that she
sees me as a fellow sojourner. She allows a safe
place for me to let my guard down and search for the truth in all this. The truth shall set me free.
I guess I desperately desired my
original family to be a safe place for me but it never was. My critical-self tells me "Yeah right, you are such a blamer. Get over it". The strong-self says "Maybe so, but you need to let it go." And the soft-self says, "You're doing okay, it's a process. You need to be heard." Somewhere on that road, I found God. He became
my safe place. He embraces me, accepts me as I am, never criticizes me, kind
and tender and patient. I hope that I can be a small safe pocket for my children and
husband, for my friends and whomever would allow me to be their safe pocket that points to God. For I know the truth that the ultimate safe place is God. I'm in the process of finding the truth while struggling bravely and honestly. I am brave. I am honest.
Someone pointed out that my writing has been dark lately.
Emotion is a crazy thing. It does require some messy work in the beginning but
once the roads are cleared, it's really a fun ride, and it is necessary. I'm
just taking you along with me because I feel that many people can relate to me. If it makes you feel uncomfortable, you may find another ride. I feel safe to be on this journey because Jesus is riding with me the entire
way. It' going to be okay (soft-self wins).
I heard a message and the speaker said, ordinary can
be defeated when we tell the truth and with willingness to forgive. I am on my
way.
For they disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best
to them, but he disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness. For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it
yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by
it. Therefore lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees, and
make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be put out of
joint but rather be healed. Strive for peace with everyone, and for the
holiness without which no one will see the Lord. See to it that no one fails
to obtain the grace of God; that no “root of bitterness” springs up and causes
trouble, and by it many become defiled. (Hebrews 12:10-15)
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