It Is Well

I have been on a lost path of blogging. What I realized is that my mental filter is pretty weak and I get lost when I feel like I am unable to write honestly in an effort to trying to only reveal some parts of what I am thinking.  Feeling forced and unnatural, I turn away from writing. Filtering doesn't work very well with me. Maybe it's a residual effect of perfectionism. All or nothing- such an unhealthy way of thinking. Flexibility and resiliency is much more effective. I've also learned that I am pretty worn out of keeping up with unhealthy relationships. Boundaries can seem harsh at times but necessary.

I've been also learning to live with the idea of my impending death. Not as an impending doom but a process of life. Let me just say that death is more real to me now than before. A family in my community lost their teenage son in an accident recently. I cannot even imagine the depth of their sorrow. My own death, I can handle, I think. Death of one of my children? I don't think so. I would be so totally broken and lost. Each time I meet with the family, I have absolutely nothing to say to console them. I have no power, not enough love or faith to make them feel better. I just sit and listen. I think back to the times when I felt lost, sad, and angry and folks who came to console me and how some of them talked too much and said unnecessary things. And so many times I heard, "I will pray for you" and it sounded like an empty promise. I think back at how some people didn't say much but I knew that they were broken for me and truly wanted to love me. Some stayed, some left, some never showed up. There were times when I secretly kept count on who showed up and who abandoned me. But I realized that people deal with hardship differently. Some can handle other's brokenness and some can't. Some show they care by showing up and some show their love by leaving you alone. One person who is going through a difficult time shared that before he experienced his own hardship, he used to avoid people who were suffering due to his own awkwardness; not knowing what to do or what to say. But he realized that every little gesture helps and encourages. A note, a prayer, a hug....anything at all. Yes, do something, anything to offer your heart.

It's been about 3 month since I finished radiation therapy, I am on hormonal therapy with a 5 year drug plan. The first drug did not agree with me (surprise!). I am on another type, hopefully this one will be much better. Too many little episodes of side effects and other medical dilemma to list but what matters is that I am alive and getting better. Many people have told me I look good and I choose to believe them. Only thing that bums me out is the fact that estrogen make me gain more weight and more bloated. Darn it! I am learning to live with cancer. I guess this is how the rest of my life is going to be. I need to learn to live with this condition and manage it as well as possible. It's not going away but as long as it's not activated, I will be okay. This is another perk of getting over perfectionism. I am not able to get rid of cancer and be perfectly healthy, but I am alive and that's good enough. A imperfect body is better than a dead body. Right?

When my personal relationships are in jeopardy, I feel like I am inadequate to claim to be an expert in the field. A little voice whispers in my ear, "You can't even do your personal relationships right, what make you think you are good enough to speak about it?" Again, the inadequacy balls and chains bogs me down and makes me feel like a total failure. Although I never have and will never claim to have figured everything out, the enemy whispers lies into my ears and makes me lose focus of the truth. The enemy's lies disable me to lose focus on Christ and look inward to despair. It cripples me to wallow in self-pity and blame everyone else but me. It makes me drink my own bitterness and spit it out at all those around me. I will not do it! As Apostle Paul confessed,God's grace is all I need and in my weakness God's power is made perfect. All I need to know is that God's grace and sovereignty is what allows me to do what I am called to do. Allows me to be who I am- a child of God. Never lose sight of it!

Some people are surprised that I bounced back to my old self so quickly. I am thankful that I am pretty smart in knowing that some things are out of my control and am quick to release. I also know that I am loved by God and so many family and friends around me. I am also thankful that all of my past experiences (good, bad and ugly) made me the person I am today- I am confident in the leadership of Jesus Christ! It is well with my soul. Amen!