Imperfect Life

The gospel of John chapter 1 verses 1-18, to me is a complete description of Christian world view. It describes who God is, who I am, what the world is, and how it all relates to one another. Every time I read or listen to first part of John 1, my heart is filled with awe of God's almighty and infinite power. "In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God (v.1). The true light, which enlightens everyone was coming into the World (v.9). And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us, and we have seen his glory glory as of the only Son from the Father, full of grace and truth (v.14). And from his fullness we have all received grace upon grace (17).   When I read these words, I see an image. An image of me laying down on the grass at night time, and I see millions of stars in the dark sky. All of sudden, those stars begin turn into words and fall on me. Covering me completely as if the word are a warm and safe blanket that covers me. I hope one da...

This week has been very difficult for me. Side effects of chemo and other medications really took a toll on my body. Although chemo sessions might be somewhat less threatening, recovery period is far more painful and intense. It feels like I have no control of my body. I can feel and see my body deteriorating right in front of my eyes each day. Nothing seems to be working right. I try hard to hold onto my mind but at times, I feel like I am about to lose that too. I was complaining and told a friend that if I knew how to cuss, I would be doing it right about now. My godly and beautiful friend dropped a bomb on my behalf, and we laughed away my pain for a moment. I love you my friend, in some completely demented way, it really comforted me. I have been crying out "Lord, please help me!" I don't know how else to ask my heavenly Father than just Help! This morning as I woke up, I was reminded of how eagles molted and renewed their old body and how God said in Psalm 103:5...

I find the side effects of steroid to be almost as bad as those of chemo meds. It keeps me up at night; I am bloated, puffy faced, and just darn uncomfortable. They say breast caner and ovarian cancer patients tend to keep or gain weight during treatment due to water retention from steroids. Well, so much for my dainty cancer patient look. Good news! I am finished with my four rounds of awful A+C regiment of chemo, which the doctors say is the strongest and worst kinds of chemo medicine. I will be starting Texol chemo in 2 weeks for the next 8 weeks. I am proud of myself for enduring it so far, making it through the best as I can. Pat on my back. My children are adjusting very well. Helping around the house, playing, arguing, eating well, doing their chores and summer work. I think being honest and up-front about my illness was a right decision for our family. Not sugar coating anything but facing it all together. In our family, we try to bring everything to light and work from the...

 I wish I can write more often but my eyes get tired and blurry. I have been reading A Thousand Splendid Suns by Khaled Hosseini. Mariam and Laila are the two heroines of the very tragic story of women of Afghanistan. Bitterness, rejection, conflict, turmoil, deep wounds of the soul, confusion, remorse, abuse, hope, love...human tragic...life. I know so many women who live in these kinds of tragedy even today in America. I know them, I see them. Mariam and Laila reminded me of my mother in some ways, my clients, and myself. I dreamt that I went back to work last night. I showed up at my office and tried to move my desk all by myself and the desk fell on top of me. Ha! I opened my eyes early one morning and thought "Oh no, another day of misery". For a moment I felt hopeless thinking that I was about to start another day of feeling nauseated, lazy, weak, and unproductive. I was shocked at myself for even thinking of the word "misery". Me? I am the most positive ...

My kids say this is my "Annoyed Face". :) It is 3:56 AM and I am wide awake. Second chemo was not as bad as I feared going in but still was not so great. I guess it is not suppose to be great anyway.  It turns out that I am severely allergic to Adriamycin, an essential chemo med I must take. A double dose of benadryl did the trick but made me super groggy. My hair started to fall out in clumps. It will be no time before I lose all my hair. My counselor asked me if I am ready for it. I told her I will deal with it as it comes. I know it is going to happen but how can I be ready for it? I am not sure...I am unsure about many things these days. My youngest son said it makes him scared to see clumps of long black hair in my bathroom. I assured him it is due to strong medicine but my hair will all grow back once I stop chemo. My 13 year old son said it does not bother him, but I know it does. I am considering about sending my kids to a day camp for children with parents whos...

May 13th First round of chemo today. I went in like a champ and came out like a zombie. The first thing I noticed when I walked into the infusion center was a couple who had their TV on rather loud and talking loud at the same time. I was immediately irritated by the noise they were making. I asked the nurse if she was saving the private room for someone. She said they fill in all the chairs first. I just closed the curtains to give myself some privacy. It took one hour to get my blood work back, counting red/white blood cells to see if I am good enough to take chemo. Then it took about 2.5 hours to do pre-med. steroid, anti-nausea, and some other kinds...then the chemo nurse came in with two huge syringes filled with chemo med and another bag with more med. All of sudden, I felt light headed and my chest felt heavy and became hard to breathe. My vitals were dropping. A social worker (counselor) came to talk with me. She helped me to relax with exactly same techniques I use w...

It's been a while but I am back. Writing helps me to heal. It is an effective way for me to process things and gain control over my emotions. I really enjoy using narrative therapy methods for myself and my clients. I often suggest to my clients to rewrite and retell their stories as a part of  their healing process. I use it for myself whenever I feel lost or confused about things in life. Sometimes my mind is so preoccupied with anxiousness, I can't even put a sentence down. Then, I start with making a list of pros/cons.  It's a good place to start. Recently, I was diagnosed with stage 2b breast cancer. I know..I could not believe it neither. How can I of all people? I am perfectly healthy other than having a few extra pounds. I try to live my life to the fullest every moment, I have four young kids, and I am busy...how can this be? Many fearful thoughts crossed my mind at first. However, my history of walking with God helped me to quickly realize that only thing I ...