Imperfect Life

There are two voices in my head. One says "Don't put it out there. Nobody cares. Why do you want to put your dirty laundry out?" The other says, "It's okay. It's a process. Others need to hear about it. It will help you". My mind is complex and confused. Needless to say my brain is full of crazy maze that I cannot seem to figure out. The combination of  menopause, chemo, and grief of having cancer is like a dynamite ready for a disastrous explosion. It will be one year anniversary on April 1st that I was diagnosed with cancer-I don't even to call it an anniversary because anniversaries are for good things. May 12th last year, I started chemo treatment. It's been a hectic and stressful year. I think I was totally focused on getting through it. I was just determined make it through and be done with. Now that I am almost at the end of treatment, I am faced with fear of "what if's".  If I had been in denial this whole time, now I...

Try to learn to breathe deeply, really to taste food when you eat, and when you sleep, really to sleep. Try as much as possible to be wholly alive with all your might, and when you laugh, laugh like hell. And when you get angry, get good and angry. Try to be alive. You will be dead soon enough. --Ernest Hemingway My youngest child asked as we were laying in bed together in the dark, "Mommy, do you think you're gonna die?" Ugh, the pain...my heart broke into pieces. I cried silently. Good thing it was dark in the room that he wasn't be able to see me cry. He asked again, "What if you die in your sleep?" The fact that those questions are not just a part of normal developmental curiosity but have real life relevancy to my little boy breaks my heart.  He attended a workshop for kids with parents with cancer a couple of days ago. He is now able to connect and ask questions about death with me. His anxious heart for what might happen, and the guilt that someh...

Let me just spit it out. I am tired. Really tired of this. Tired of holding onto hope that I will be cancer free. I will be able to pass through this rough patch with flying colors. I am tired of acting strong and mighty. I am tired of doctors. I am tired of treatment. I am tired of feeling sick. I am tired of pain. I am tired. I want to say just forget it. Just forget it! I give up!! I know many have been and will continue to tell me to hang-on, don't give up, have faith, pray more...I don't want to be rude but I can't hear anything you have to say to me. Maybe later. Maybe tomorrow. I just need to complain, whine and cry like a baby right now. I have to stop pretending to be okay. Focused and hopeful with mighty faith-- because I am not. Last week I had a post-op appointment with the surgeon to go over the results of biopsy. 4/7 lymphnodes came back positive. The surgeon recommended another surgery to remove all lymph nodes in my underarm area. This is before s...

It's funny how a person can change the atmosphere in a home. Even when I was in the smack middle of difficult chemo therapy, my home never felt sad or gloomy. There was always exchange of ideas and laughter. Even fussing didn't seem to effect the mood gauge. My parents came to visit a couple of days before my surgery. My elderly dad drove all the way from Long Island, New York to North Carolina, stopping in Virginia for overnight rest. The day after he got to Carolina he started feeling sick, understandably due to a long drive. He didn't let us know of his state but my brother and mother convinced him to go see a doctor. He begrudgingly followed. He would not smile or talk. Nobody can tell if he's mad or just didn't feel like talking. The morning after my surgery I got up early and helped my mother make breakfast for father. He sat at the table waited to be served and left the table as soon as he finished his meal. This is just how most Korean fathers role. This...

Dear Friends, Early tomorrow morning I will be going in for lumpectomy. After going through twenty rounds of chemo therapy, surgery doesn't seem so scary. I feel confident in my surgeon who is a breast specialist (as funny as it sounds...it's true) and I am trusting in God who is my creator and healer. While I was listening to Pastor Lee Jong Rak's (Baby Box) testimony a few weeks ago, I was convicted for not trusting in God for healing. I knew it in my head and may have believed it in my heart for other people, but I realized that I did not truly believe God's healing grace for me. Maybe I have been too afraid to believe due to fear of being disappointed. But that evening, I repented for my unbelief. As my anthem, "Glorious Unfolding" by Steve Curtis Chapman's lyrics say, I have been resting and watching His grace unfold. I don't understand what all this means, but I'm not suppose to figure it out but soak in His grace. Being a driven person...

Dear My Daughter, Congratulations! You are in a wonderful season of your life and going through it with grace and dignity. You call it anxious and scary but I say fun and thrilling. You have done significant internships and found out what makes your heart beat just a bit faster. I am confident that you will be excellent in whatever you choose to do. I would have to admit, you are much more intelligent, confident and brave than I was at your age. You know your strengths and interests and focused on getting better at what you lack. "Sometimes, I wonder if Marketing is too secular, not holy enough to serve God. I don't even know how I would serve God in this field." Praise God! My heart sang when those words flowed out of your lips. It was obvious that you have been pondering on this a lot. I can tell that you are genuinely searching for God's ways in your life. A pure joy to a Christian mother's heart when you know your children are walking in faith.Thank you...

Great men of God blessing my son at his Blessing Ceremony We have a tradition in our family that my husband and I started about 8 years ago. I wanted to create something that was unique to us which we could passed down to the next generations. About that time, I came across a book titled "The Blessing" by Drs. John Trent and Gary Smalley. Trent and Smalley explain irreplaceable importance of a father's blessing in a child's life, the power of spoken words, and the active prayer and parenting through blessing. It was a breath of fresh air and a complete paradigm shift. I was inspired to formally and ceremonially bless our children into their adulthood by clarifying their unique identity and purpose as children of God. We would invite a small group of family and friends, get all dressed-up, share a meal for the special occasion. During the ceremony, my husband and I would bless the celebrated child with spoken words and present a well thought-out and unique gift. ...