Imperfect Life

I find the side effects of steroid to be almost as bad as those of chemo meds. It keeps me up at night; I am bloated, puffy faced, and just darn uncomfortable. They say breast caner and ovarian cancer patients tend to keep or gain weight during treatment due to water retention from steroids. Well, so much for my dainty cancer patient look. Good news! I am finished with my four rounds of awful A+C regiment of chemo, which the doctors say is the strongest and worst kinds of chemo medicine. I will be starting Texol chemo in 2 weeks for the next 8 weeks. I am proud of myself for enduring it so far, making it through the best as I can. Pat on my back. My children are adjusting very well. Helping around the house, playing, arguing, eating well, doing their chores and summer work. I think being honest and up-front about my illness was a right decision for our family. Not sugar coating anything but facing it all together. In our family, we try to bring everything to light and work from the...

 I wish I can write more often but my eyes get tired and blurry. I have been reading A Thousand Splendid Suns by Khaled Hosseini. Mariam and Laila are the two heroines of the very tragic story of women of Afghanistan. Bitterness, rejection, conflict, turmoil, deep wounds of the soul, confusion, remorse, abuse, hope, love...human tragic...life. I know so many women who live in these kinds of tragedy even today in America. I know them, I see them. Mariam and Laila reminded me of my mother in some ways, my clients, and myself. I dreamt that I went back to work last night. I showed up at my office and tried to move my desk all by myself and the desk fell on top of me. Ha! I opened my eyes early one morning and thought "Oh no, another day of misery". For a moment I felt hopeless thinking that I was about to start another day of feeling nauseated, lazy, weak, and unproductive. I was shocked at myself for even thinking of the word "misery". Me? I am the most positive ...

My kids say this is my "Annoyed Face". :) It is 3:56 AM and I am wide awake. Second chemo was not as bad as I feared going in but still was not so great. I guess it is not suppose to be great anyway.  It turns out that I am severely allergic to Adriamycin, an essential chemo med I must take. A double dose of benadryl did the trick but made me super groggy. My hair started to fall out in clumps. It will be no time before I lose all my hair. My counselor asked me if I am ready for it. I told her I will deal with it as it comes. I know it is going to happen but how can I be ready for it? I am not sure...I am unsure about many things these days. My youngest son said it makes him scared to see clumps of long black hair in my bathroom. I assured him it is due to strong medicine but my hair will all grow back once I stop chemo. My 13 year old son said it does not bother him, but I know it does. I am considering about sending my kids to a day camp for children with parents whos...

May 13th First round of chemo today. I went in like a champ and came out like a zombie. The first thing I noticed when I walked into the infusion center was a couple who had their TV on rather loud and talking loud at the same time. I was immediately irritated by the noise they were making. I asked the nurse if she was saving the private room for someone. She said they fill in all the chairs first. I just closed the curtains to give myself some privacy. It took one hour to get my blood work back, counting red/white blood cells to see if I am good enough to take chemo. Then it took about 2.5 hours to do pre-med. steroid, anti-nausea, and some other kinds...then the chemo nurse came in with two huge syringes filled with chemo med and another bag with more med. All of sudden, I felt light headed and my chest felt heavy and became hard to breathe. My vitals were dropping. A social worker (counselor) came to talk with me. She helped me to relax with exactly same techniques I use w...

It's been a while but I am back. Writing helps me to heal. It is an effective way for me to process things and gain control over my emotions. I really enjoy using narrative therapy methods for myself and my clients. I often suggest to my clients to rewrite and retell their stories as a part of  their healing process. I use it for myself whenever I feel lost or confused about things in life. Sometimes my mind is so preoccupied with anxiousness, I can't even put a sentence down. Then, I start with making a list of pros/cons.  It's a good place to start. Recently, I was diagnosed with stage 2b breast cancer. I know..I could not believe it neither. How can I of all people? I am perfectly healthy other than having a few extra pounds. I try to live my life to the fullest every moment, I have four young kids, and I am busy...how can this be? Many fearful thoughts crossed my mind at first. However, my history of walking with God helped me to quickly realize that only thing I ...

In my rather short time working as a Family Relationship and Communication consultant, I have discovered that Korean American families desperately need help with effective communication. Subsequently, communication is the most popular topic that Korean American churches have asked me to speak on.  First generation immigrant parents and second generation Korean American adolescents struggle with consequences of broken communication and lack of emotional connection. It is easy to recognize that there is a serious disconnect between family members, but not many people know how to reconnect the links.  Over the next few posts, I am going to give you some practical tools that you can use to reconnect with your loved ones. So, have fun and read on. Please feel free to leave a comment and/or suggestion. 제가 가족관계 와 소통 전문가로 일하게 되면서 한인이민가정 속에 심각한 소통장애가 있다는것을 피부로 느끼게 됩니다.  이민교회에서도 가족문제의 심각성을 감지하고  강의 요청의 많은 부분이 소통 이기도 합니다.  특히 이민1세인 부모님과 미국에서 자라나는 2세  간의 불통에 관한 문제로 가...

 It is the 13 th  anniversary of 9/11. No one can forget the horrific assault our nation had to experience. What happened on that day has forever changed the ways we lived in America.   My life has dramatically changed since that day as well.  Here is the story of how 9/11 brought life and hope to my family.  As a Christian, I have always carried a burden and knowing in my heart that I was to live for more although I never knew how I would actually accomplish it.  I was living a typical 1.5 generation Korean-American life.  I was happily married with two beautiful daughters.  We lived in a nice home in the suburbs of New Jersey near New York City.  We even had a dog to make it a picture perfect American life.  I was comfortable and content. Then, on September 11, 2001, I was awakened abruptly from my quiescent lifestyle. It was a beautiful morning in September.   I dro...